My husband and I took the following day off school so we
could discuss the situation and research a little bit more. I
stayed in our bedroom, perched up in bed in my pj's with my
laptop and I just searched and searched the condition,
prognosis, surgeries etc. I emailed a friend in America as
through my research I saw that at the Vanderbilt Medical
Center where she had worked had started a procedure where
they were performing surgery inutero closing the lesions on
babies with spina bifida. She spoke to doctors for me to see if
I could do that, however I was too many weeks. I would have
been on a plane the following day if I qualified for that
procedure. Anything to give my little girl a bigger chance of
survival.
I also emailed Josh's cousin Vanessa who has a little girl with disabilities
to see how she dealt with things, the effect on her other children, did
their marriage suffer etc. Speaking to Vanessa on the phone about
everything was the best thing I did, she had great advice and was the
only person I could talk to about it. I seemed to become a recluse. I
stayed in bed for a whole week, in pj's and never left the laptop. I
couldn't - I had to find a way of giving my baby a life. I was extremely
depressed and cried all day, everyday. I found myself not only
researching her condition but also looking for special urns for her ashes
as my husband wanted to have her cremated if things turned out that
way.
I was not only planning for a life with a special needs child but also a
funeral. No parent should have to do this.
Josh and I discussed our options. He is religious and so termination was
NEVER an option for him.
I was just so confused- I didn't know what to do. I also had so much
guilt from terminating Jakob, although he had a very different condition
- babies with anencephaly do not survive.
On one hand I could never terminate as my baby was moving so much
inside, how could I end that life? She seemed so happy inside; did I
have the right to stop that?
But then on the other hand was I being fair to her giving her a life
where she mightn't have any quality?
The doctors didn't give her a chance, just a few hours if that, or if a
miracle happens and she did survive they said she wouldn't be able to
do anything.
Everyone had an opinion- some very strong and harsh..
How does a mother decide what to do to her unborn
child? How do you know what is best for her?
I looked at my youngest daughter Jordan and felt guilty for not being able to
give her a baby sister to play with. My eldest 2 Ella and Elsa had each other.
Jordan would come into my room and say goodbye to me everyday for that
week as she left for child care, on her way out after her kiss she would say
"you cry mummy" and then run back to give me big hugs. Of course this
bought more tears to my eyes!
After a lot of research and discussion with Josh we decided that we would of
course go through with the pregnancy and let our baby have whatever length
of life she was meant to. Josh contacted the Dr who arranged for us to head
to Adelaide to meet the team at the Women's and Children's Hospital.
On my return everyone at school was great, very supportive. People
offered to do my duties so I didn't have to waddle far in the heat, and
generally were just there for me. I must say this is one of the best schools
I have worked at in terms of support.
I found I could talk to a couple of teachers really easily - Mick and Dave.
Mick sat opposite me in our staffroom and he, Dave and I got along really
well- seemed to be on the same level, we could all share a joke with each
other, but also show support when needed. Anyway, Mick was a new
father and along with his fiancée Monica became good friends of ours.
They offered to have our girls when we needed to go to Adelaide or Alice
again. And later he organised an amazing event for Mia.
I found it hard going out to dinner or just up the street as all of a sudden
there were babies everywhere, alive and had all their movement.
My students would ask all about the pregnancy and feel my tummy.
What could I say to them?
I didn't tell them her condition, instead said she was sick and
mightn't survive. They were all very positive telling me that it wasn't
going to happen.
One boy Randall kept telling me she was going to be cute and
gorgeous! This was all hard to take in, they were young and didn't
really understand, but I held on to what they were saying and took
on board their optimism (whilst at school anyway).
At home it was different. Josh and I had to discuss what we would
do if things went wrong, where would she be buried? Or ashes
scattered? The tears and depression kept coming. I had already
been diagnosed with severe depression years ago and was taking
medication. I needed something more now, I needed to sleep and
not think, at least for one night.
The doctor gave me Vallium. I got that sleep.
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